This is a sketch written and performed in 2006 and available for you to use this Christmas.
A carol singer is singing Cliff Richard’s Mistletoe and Wine when someone walks by to confront them about the language of the song they are singing. (The italics are to be sung by the singer, apart from the final line of speech.)
‘Christmas time, mistletoe and wine. Children singing Christian rhyme.’
Christmas? Haven’t you heard? It’s ‘Winterval’ now. Or Wintertide, if you prefer. Happy Holidays. Something like that. We wanted to make sure people didn’t get confused. Sorry for the inconvenience. But please…let’s have none of this ‘Christmas’ you speak of. We don’t want people getting confused. Or worse…insulted. You have to think of the people.
‘Winterval time, mistletoe and wine. Children singing Christian rhyme.’
Um, I’m sorry to be a bother but we have a bit of a health and safety issue this year. You see, some unfortunate little boy brushed a little too close to the mistletoe last year and the cute red jumper his nan had lovingly knitted for him was brutally torn by a stray leaf. We believe that it would be wrong to celebrate such an anti-social plant. The good directors at
the National Lottery have voiced support for the clover leaf – everyone knows
it’s a lucky leaf and what’s Christmas – I mean, Winterval – all about if not
good luck, eh?
‘Winterval time, clover leaves and wine. Children singing Christian rhyme.’
Clover leaves and wine? My good friend, how can you – a Christian of all people – sing of wine? You should know fully well that we have a massive problem with binge drinking in
our society nowadays and all you are doing is adding fuel to an already out of control fire. I’m sorry but the wine will have to go. It’s sending out a negative message.
‘Winterval time, clover leaves and juice. Children singing Christian rhyme.’
No, I’m just going to have to stop you there. You simply can not single out Children and indoctrinate them by forcing them to sing rhymes concerned with your particular religious institution. Children must be given a choice. Education must be secular and completely unrelated to any expression of religious celebration. Only adults who have consented to be involved in such occasions may be included in your choral endeavours. What a disaster we would have on our hands if such vocal ventures were considered something anybody and
everybody was involved in.
‘Winterval time, clover leaves and juice. Consenting adults singing Christian rhyme.’
Now how can you just limit this to ‘Christian rhyme’? It is intolerant, anti-social, offensive to other religious groups and completely against the spirit of Winterval. You have taken one of our nation’s favourite literary forms and soiled it with your insistence on religious conformity. No, my good friend, this will not do at all. You have taken away our individuality and forced us into a single group, as if we all believed the same thing. Tell
me, what does ‘Christian rhyme’ have to do with Wintertide anyway?
‘Winterval time, clover leaves and juice. Consenting adults singing rhymes that reflect their own personal spiritual journey, whether or not they believe in a god.’
You know, somehow it just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.